Do you Speak or Swallow?
What would you do in this situation: You’re booked for a flight to visit someone new you’re interested in. It’s 10 days away. You call to make arrangements and get a dismissive voicemail from him or her telling you that they might not even be in town that weekend…no apology, no acknowledgment.
Do you avoid confrontation and stuff your feelings? Do you unleash your wrath?
My old M.O. would have gone straight into withholding/shut down mode. I would have immediately felt not good enough, started racking my brain for where I turned him off and then started wondering if I was just making too big a deal out of nothing and stop being so sensitive.
Then I would have tried to let-it-go, move on and not think about it.
But it would have consumed me.
As thoughts of “if you were thinner, fitter, lower maintenance, easy-going, less complicated, more fun, smarter” would bubble to the surface I’d try to stuff them down, swallow my shame and try to stay focused.
Then the food would start calling. And I’d say fuck it. Why not.
All in all the entire experience would have reconfirmed 3 things:
I’m not enough
I’m not worth sticking around for
Food would never fuck me over like that
Thank God today when this real life situation happened this week, something else inside took over – a different way of seeing and being – that had me not being triggered, able to acknowledge my hurt and able to speak up – without being attached to the outcome!
I never had the power to do this before. I could try to “be spiritual,” try to “get over it,” but it would still be eating at me and I’d still be eating over it.
But none of that came up for me this time. I wasn’t trying to “let it go,” I just didn’t take it personally. His actions didn’t change my sense of worth and value.
I share this because far too often I see women who struggle with food, alcohol, and other addictions holding back, and not speaking up because they are uncomfortable with confrontation or they just don’t think it will be effective or they wonder if they’re wrong – and then they wonder why they can’t get their spoon out of the ice cream tub.
I’ll tell you why. Because swallowing your truth is the fastest way to staying stuck in addiction. It keeps you living incongruently and incongruence is the breeding ground of all addictions.
That’s why I want to give you 3 steps to speaking up that you can use right away, so you can get on the fast track to more freedom from food, alcohol or whatever else you’re addicted to.
I owned what was mine – I was disappointed. I had to acknowledge this to myself first and fully own my experience without wrong-making. Then, before picking up the phone I considered, what do I need to take responsibility for here? I needed to take responsibility for the fact that I, on my own volition, bought a plane ticket out there – even though this was a brand spanking new relationship. That was my choice. I got to see that it was possible that we had different ideas about what this trip was about. And I also got to see that it was possible that his priorities are simply different at this time. Owning what was mine allowed me to not take his stuff personally.
I shared the vulnerable truth – It would have been easier to just speak up to a friend, or call him and tell him off, or even to text him my schpiel. But I did none of that. I actually picked up the phone and communicated that I felt let down and that what happened was shitty. It felt super vulnerable to share this with him because I there is that part of me that still wants to think I’m soooo evolved that I am not affected/hurt by others. But the truth is, I am. And admitting that to him felt super vulnerable but also super freeing.
I unattached to the outcome – I wasn’t calling with an agenda. I didn’t want to hurt him back, make him feel jealous or try to get him to change his plans. I started out the call taking responsibility for what was mine and sharing that his actions didn’t work for me and it felt shitty. What was so powerful was because I was truly coming from a neutral place, he didn’t get defensive and instead actually apologized. Not attaching to the outcome or taking it personally put us on the same side – looking at the situation together, and evaluating what worked and what didn’t. It was crazy. But the best part was that nothing else needed to happen for me to be free. Simply sharing my truth and taking responsibility for my actions and not taking on what wasn’t mine totally cleared it for me.
Bottom line is that speaking up freed my heart, mind and soul from resentment or regret, and allowed me to stay present, focused and connected with my amazing life and I want to help you to do the same. Because we can talk about freedom til we’re blue in the face, but in my experience, what really sets women on the path of lasting freedom is when they gain the power to speak truth in a way that honors them and others.
Try these 3 steps and let me know how they work in your life.
In dedication of all things raw, real and recovered,
ps if you’re wanting more tools about how to be vulnerable without feeling week and you’re also keen to attract “The One,” then check out the Find The One Summit that my dear friends and relationship experts, Antia and Brody are hosting next week. They really know their stuff when it comes to relationships and will be sharing tons of tools about how to have a loving, supportive, long-term relationship. Hope to see you there 😉