See in the past that scenario would have taken me down.
I would have been upset, offended and feeling totally justified in spending the weekend watching Netflix marathons, stewing in resentment and eating ice cream, peanut butter or chocolate. Or all 3. At the same time.
And because I would have already decided that he was my soul mate and we were destined to be together, I’d have been ultra offended and would have created a story about him and the kind of self-absorbed, immature, insensitive narcissist he was.
And then I’d have called my friends so they could co-sign on my story.
And then I’d start wondering if he met someone else. And if she was prettier or had a better body. And I’d wonder what about me wasn’t good enough for him to want to come down for.
Then I’d’ve gone down a whole shame spiral about how I’m fat and gross and it’s just as well he didn’t come down and see what I really look like naked.
And then I would have written men off. Or I’d’ve gone out deliberately to get attention so I could boost my confidence. Either way, it wouldn’t fill me up.
So then, feeling fat, full of food and totally unfulfilled, I’d go into overdrive trying to fix myself, committing to the next diet and exercise plan, so I could finally be enough to be worthy of his love and attention.
But that’s not what happened last weekend.
See something has shifted in me. My lasting freedom from food addiction has brought me to a place where I naturally react differently. Not just to food. But to life, relationships and myself.
I am a different person from the inside out — I think differently, I feel differently and I act differently.
It’s not that I’m consciously trying to “be spiritual” or “let it go.” It’s just that life, people and external circumstances don’t have power over me like they used to.
And so this is what transpired last Friday instead…
I had already cleaned house, showered, shaved–the whole nine. And so when I saw the message come through mid-morning, my heart sank. I was so excited and then all of a sudden–BAM! No plans. No boy. No wind. No Sail.
“What a bummer!” I heard my inner girl say.
At first I was almost disoriented as my mind processed what had just happened. So I just deepened into the feeling of sadness and disappointment and let it envelop me.
But then a curious thing happened.
I checked in and noticed that my inner dialogue was completely different than the way it used to be…
I didn’t take it personally. I intuitively knew that this wasn’t about me. It wasn’t that I was too much or not enough. This was about him and where he was. And based on his actions, I could see that this wasn’t someone I wanted to move forward with at this time. But it didn’t change how I felt about me.
I didn’t get resentful. I didn’t blame him for letting me down or for having different priorities. My worth wasn’t caught up with his actions. So I was able to witness his actions and see them as a clear indication that he had other priorities and so was not the one for me. But that didn’t make me angry. It just gave me clarity on what I really want.
I didn’t sulk. Again, because I didn’t take it personally, I was able to feel the sadness fully and honor the girl inside who was really excited to spend time with this guy, but also not make meaning out of it and use it as ammo to hate on men, jockey for attention or justify a binge.
I didn’t judge. Myself or him. I saw the situation for what it was: Two souls who were following their karmic path, and doing what felt like the right thing at the time. He wasn’t wrong and bad for making the decisions he did. And I wasn’t wrong or bad either. No one was wrong. We were each just doing what felt aligned for each one of us. And in doing so, we were not aligned with each other.
I didn’t close off my heart. I didn’t make a story about how men are disappointing and how they always let me down. (That was a real familiar storyline from my past). And I didn’t retreat emotionally, creating a wall of protection around my tender and vulnerable heart. I just allowed myself to fully feel and trusted that the man I am meant to be with is an even better fit. It helped to remember what my mentor used to say: “What feels like rejection is God’s protection.”
I didn’t slander. I didn’t have a need to make him look bad to make me look good. In fact, the two friends I shared it with remarked how respectfully I was talking about him. They could feel my authentic understanding of where he was at and my genuine peace with how it all unfolded. The peace for me was that his actions made it clear that he’s not the one for me. And so I got to be grateful that God/Universe cleared him from my path so that I wouldn’t get caught up in an emotional and energetic hemorrhage.
I didn’t eat. Even when I felt the full impact of the loneliness and the realization that I had cleared my entire weekend and now had nothing to fill it with. I didn’t reach for the food. I just felt my feelings. And I brought more God in.
And the best part of this whole situation, and the real reason why this is such a win for team freedom is because all of this has turned into fodder for helping women worldwide who struggle with food addiction know that there is hope.
And another way of being with life’s and love’s ups and downs that doesn’t take us back to our story of not being good enough or take us back to the food.
In dedication of all things raw, real and recovered,