Then you get up from your desk, and on the way to the bathroom catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and go “ugh”…
And at once, without even consciously registering, a thousand thoughts flash through your mind: “You’re fat.” “You need to work out.” “Suck in your gut.” “Your butt’s big.” “You’re lazy.” “You’re gross.”
Your mind starts racing. You feel anxious. And you’ve got to fix this, fix you, do something… the obsession starts. The rules start. The rigidity starts.
You devise the ultimate, I’m-gonna-figure-this-out plan to fix your food, your body and yourself for once and for all.
Part of you feels vindicated. Part of you feels victimized. And part of you doesn’t even know how you feel because it’s been so long since you actually did.
You find yourself back at your desk.
You don’t remember how you got there because you weren’t present. You were going through the motions of life, carrying all of your old baggage and future tripping.
The only thing you do remember as you make it back to your desk is passing the mirror again and catching another glimpse of your not-good-enoughness, which has snuffed out any last hope that you’re ok as you are.
So now with anxiety, tension and not-enoughness swirling inside you, all of a sudden, food sounds nice.
You go to the kitchen and make a snack. That first bite yields a moment’s comfort…before the guilt sets in. And even though you feel guilty you don’t want to stop.
So you eat. And the fuller you get, the emptier you feel.
And then you slouch back to your desk. And you try to do work. But now your thighs feel fat. You body feels gross. You feel the food sitting in you and you’re ashamed.
You start to plan how you’re going to fix this feeling and your mind goes back into obsession mode again.
Eventually, feeling anxious, overwhelmed and thoroughly frustrated, you turn your screen back on, and try to go back to work.
But a new post on facebook catches your attention. So you click on it and it’s a quote that says, “love yourself no matter what, and the rest will take care of itself.”
And you think, yes, just love myself. That’s right. That’s the key.
But in the recess in your mind, a little voice pipes, “yeah, love yourself…when your thighs get smaller.”
And without even knowing it, you’ve just denied yourself the ability to feel good now. And reconfirmed the belief that you’re unworthy of even loving yourself.
That was me for nearly 2 decades.
And on top of all self-destructive sabotaging I was also consumed with what you thought of me and was constantly comparing myself to you, so I didn’t have a chance when it came to actually loving myself, trusting myself and feeling confident.
Even though I had a bookshelf lined with self-help books and a mind filled with positive slogans, I couldn’t change the part of me that just felt broken.
On the surface, others would never be able to tell that that’s how I really felt. Because on the outside, I was positive. On the outside I was friendly. On the outside I had the answers. On the outside I was successful.
That made me feel like even more of a fraud.
It was like I was leading a double life. And it was exhausting.
It wasn’t until I discovered the key to actually transforming my relationship with myself that I finally started to experience that self love thing I had read about so many times before.
See I had been trying to do the right things that would ultimately fix how I felt about me. But what I learned was that the true access point lay in getting to the root of what was blocking me deep within from self love, and being rid of that.
And once I did, all sorts of remarkable things started happening.
I stopped judging every little thing. I started to actually feel comfortable in my own skin.
[in fact, I remember the first time I saw my cellulite and was like, ‘hey, what’s up?’ And it wasn’t taking me down, or affecting my sense of self or changing anything about me. I thought I was either smoking crack or had just witness a miracle. Thank God it was the latter!]
I noticed I wasn’t all up in my head obsessing, so I was able to be more present and calmer.
I started creating healthy boundaries, and not people pleasing, or needing to be perfect, or worrying what you thought of me.
It was as if, for the first time in my life, I was able to exhale fully, look the world in the eye and say, ‘hey everyone, I’m ok just as I am.’
Talk about liberation.
I don’t even know if I ever felt ok just as I am.
But that’s what happened for me. And It continues to be my experience today. And it’s rad. And surprising. And beautiful. And miraculous.
And I want every woman to experience it. Because we have locked ourselves in a prison of self-judgment, self doubt and shame for far too long. It’s time we get liberated.
And that’s why I’m so honored and grateful to share what has worked for me to actually love myself (and what I’ve witnessed work for women all over the world who’ve done the same things I did), in my upcoming talk, How Do I Love Myself? 3 Keys To Cultivating The Compassion To Truly Get Free happening at the all ages community event:
In my talk, I’ll be sharing the # 1 reason why most women stay stuck in the food, the secret to ending shame and guilt, so you can feel good now, and the insider strategy to eliminating anxiety so you can be present and comfortable in your own skin.
So if you know a girl or woman in the San Diego area, age 9 and up, who could use a dose of self love, please bring her along.
And let’s unite in celebrating our bodies, ourselves and each other, just as we are.
In dedication of all things raw, real and recovered,
p.s. You can get all the event details and rsvp by clicking here.
And p.p.s. if you’re not in SD during those dates but you still want to find out how I went from self-loathing to self-loving, message me at [email protected] and I’ll be happy to share with you what I did and what you can do too. xoD