You know when you see a women speak on stage, looking so comfortable and confident, and part of you judges her and the other part desperately wants to be like that? Well what is that thing that allows her to do what she does? That’s what I want to break down in this article today because I find that when we’re talking about having confidence, many of us are going about it all wrong. You can also check out this video I made called How To Have Confidence where expand upon the 3 Confidence Tools that are discussed below. (And while you’re watching, be sure to check in the description box for the link to find out about the Confidence Challenge) 😉 So first, let’s talk about what confidence is and isn’t. Confidence is not being bold, brash or having bravado. It’s your ability to step outside your familiarity zone into the unknown. Confidence actually comes from the combination of courage, trust and surrender. It’s humble, not full of hype. The tools below are all powerful ways to cultivate confidence.
Tool # 1 – Reframe the Pain
Getting outside your familiarity zone is uncomfortable. The unknown can be fraught with new challenges and unanticipated surprises. Add to that the fear of judgement, or failure and it’s enough to hold most of us back in the perceived comfort of what seems familiar and safe. But staying in a small world that is safe is even more uncomfortable than getting outside of it. Because when you’re being called to put yourself out there and expand, and instead you’re staying small, it starts to feel confining. You get irritated and antsy. It can set off judgement, resentment, or even chronic pain. And it creates an internal environment for addiction, obsession and a host of other self sabotaging patterns to show up. That’s why the key to having confidence to put yourself out there in spite of your fear of failure is to reframe your pain – to see that the pain of staying stuck is far more painful than the pain of the unknown. Just like the Anais Nin quote:
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
One way to put reframing the pain into practice is to flirt with failure. By flirting with failure we reframe failure (i.e. perceived pain) as an exploration; a way to discover what works. We stop seeing “failure” as a death sentence and instead see it as a path to truly be alive.
Tool # 2 – Reframe the Aim
When you’re attached to the outcome of putting yourself out there, it pins your progress on external circumstances, which can leave you feeling discouraged and feeling rejected if others don’t respond the way you need or want them to. And since our ego will go to great lengths to avoid feeling rejected, chances are that when you’re solely outcome focused, you’ll tend to hold back and stay stuck. The only way to move past this potential confidence blocker is to reframe your aim. Instead of doing something for the outcome, or for how that action is going to make your life, your image or your self esteem better, do it for you you will become. Doing it for who you will become means that you focus on how doing that action will allow you to stretch, grow and explore more of you. It becomes about your inner journey of expression, expansion and freedom vs your agenda about how your actions will be received or perceived by the world around you. It’s much easier to put yourself out there when the aim is to experience yourself in a new way and to fulfill a personal challenge vs putting yourself out there to fulfill a need for others to like, respect or appreciate you. (Speaking of fulfilling personal confidence challenges…if you want support and accountability around your personal Confidence Challenge click here)
Tool # 3 – Reframe the Game
The “game” our society has trained us to live in is a world where our power is in our independence, our strength is in our ability to compete and beat others and our success is marked in the ways we have acquired wealth, prestige, stature, respect or popularity. The rules of this “game” keeps us striving and driving, afraid we’re not going to get what we need, afraid of getting it wrong or afraid of losing what we have. This “game” trades authentic self confidence for self-importance. Instead of being inspired to put ourselves out there, we’re so consumed with needing to look good, not mess up and get ahead, that we end up getting paralyzed with insecurity, which keeps us holding back. In order to have real, authentic confidence, we need to break this societal pattern of self-consciousness by reframing the game. We need to switch our focus from personal gain to the people we’re here to help. When putting yourself out there is just about you, you tend to shy away from it. But when you consider that by doing this action you’ll be able to help others and really make a difference, all of a sudden you get the courage to do what you before were not willing to do. So there you have it. 3 powerful tools that will not only help you to be more confident, but will also help you to to be more CONGRUENT. If you’re now inspired to put these tools into action and start this year off with confidence, then I want to invite you to join me and a community of like-minded souls for The Confidence Challenge! This is a totally free accountability challenge for the folks in the Congruence Collective Facebook group. You can participate by clicking here: http://liveyourlight.today. I’m excited for you to make 2018 your most confident year yet. The world is ready for it. The people you’re here to help are ready for it, and hopefully now, you’re ready for it too 🙂 Please share in the comments below what you’re ready to confidently step into this year and I can’t wait to see how it all unfolds. In dedication of all things raw, real and recovered, xoDeb