I used to not be able to put a box of See’s Nuts & Chews down without “sampling” every piece (On both levels – top and bottom).
But then I got my manners back.
And I was only eating the purest, darkest, richest, healthiest, organic-est, save-the-endangered-species-est, support-the-indigenous-farmers-est, phyto-fabulous chocolate.
So I didn’t feel so bad. And I wasn’t even having the whole bar.
In fact, I was proud of the way I could break off a little bit and enjoy it after dinner.
Ahhh, I was all better.
But after a few months of rationing. I noticed that it was becoming a habit.
Every day, after dinner, I wanted the chocolate.
And then sometimes after lunch.
And then I’d notice that I’d pick up a bar on the way home from a meeting. Cuz I was “running low”…
And before long I was eating half the bar and then the full bar in a day.Back to the drawing board. Ugh.
I then hired a naturopath who had me on this really strict ketogenic diet that required me to go very low carb, and no sugar or sugar substitutes.
I never noticed what a sugar addict I was until I couldn’t even have stevia and was cranky about it.
But there was something about being on a doctor-supervised restrictive diet plan that had me feeling all righteous. I was gonna fix myself this time!
But before long, my mind sought out a trick to get some more treats. And I got creative…
How could I still fit within the carb max for the day while getting my dessert fix? The search was on…
And then, all of a sudden it hit me!
Baking chocolate! Organic baking chocolate!
[Cue angel music]
It didn’t have any sugar. It was organic. And it was lower in calories than regular chocolate. It checked enough boxes to be a hell yes in my addict mind.
And so, I started eating pieces of organic baking chocolate every night. And I felt guilt free about it bc it had no sugar and I was just having a piece at a time.
“I beat my craving!” I mused.
It wasn’t the chocolate but the sugar! As long as I stay clear of the sugar I can have my “cake” (in the form of organic baking chocolate) and eat it too!
It was as if my mind and my inner rebellion had made a peace treaty.
Until I started eating more than a piece.
And then half the bar.
And before long, I was polishing off a bar of baking chocolate in a day.
Now I don’t know if you’ve ever eaten copious amounts of baking chocolate, but our bodies don’t like that.
And my body really didn’t like that. I was getting all these stomach aches. The dark chocolate was so acidic, I was getting instant gas and bloating after the first bite.
But I wanted what I wanted so I was willing to deal with it.
[>>>Side Bar: It’s amazing when we want something with so much conviction, how uncomfortable we’re willing to get and still go for it. It’s a quality, or learned technique if you will, that I see the most successful women I work with apply to the process of actually getting free from food addiction.]
This insanity went on for months before I finally got sick of feeling sick and tired of feeling tired and I realized that I wasn’t even enjoying the taste of the chocolate anymore.
It wasn’t even pleasurable. It was more about my indignant, “I deserve this” that was keeping me in the cycle.
That realization had me realize something else. I wanted out. I was done.
And, I was also done with furiously trying to fix myself and creating so much chaos in my life so I wouldn’t have to hear that still, quiet voice that was softly whispering, “my child, stop doing that.”
I was exhausted. And I was done.
I felt like Wile E. Coyote. Only in some uncut, unpublished volume where Wile E Coyote says, “Alright Mr. Roadrunner, you got me. I give up.”
And then in the director’s cut you’d get a scene of Wile E. sitting in Lotus position under a Bodhi tree, or if it was my version, standing in the middle of my kitchen, with a bar of half eaten baking chocolate in one hand, sobbing, asking God for direction.
Either way, you get the idea.
I reached the end of my rope and I was willing to ask for help.
And that’s where each of us has to get before anything can actually change.
When someone comes to me with a list of things they want to change and a list of ways they are planning to make those changes happen, I wish them well and say good luck.
It hasn’t been my experience that we get free working with a set of rules, beliefs, theories and ideas that we already know.
What I have seen work is when we’re willing to get out of our self-important reality, and we admit that there might be something to this whole food addiction thing that we don’t know.
That’s where things get fun. And that’s where miracles happen.
So if you’re interested to hear what you might be missing that’s holding you back from getting free from food addiction…and what to do instead, then join me for a free workshop this coming Wed July 27th, at Graced by Grit in Solana Beach from 6:30 pm – 8:30pm called:
“Fed Up: Why You’re Not Getting Free From Food Addiction…And What To Do About It.”
And I’ll share more about my personal experience with getting free from food addiction plus what you can do right away to get on your own path of freedom.
You can get all the details about the event by clicking here
Looking forward to seeing you there.
In dedication of all things raw, real and recovered,
p.s. oh and btw, I got totally free from chocolate for once and for all. The desire to eat it just went away and the whole experience rocketed me into an even greater level of freedom, confidence and happiness. Looking forward to sharing more about that too 😉