Why was my set point jaded instead of joy?
And why did it seem like everyone else “got it” except me?
I felt so alone and misunderstood.
I was told growing up that my problems weren’t real problems and this only made me feel even more like a selfish, spoiled and ungrateful brat.
But my problems felt big to me. Real big.
But how do you articulate as a young kid, “I think there’s something wrong with me and I’m terrified everyone’s gonna find out.”
How do you comfort that inner girl who is convinced she’s not loveable and doesn’t matter?
And how do you heal the part of you that fears you’re too much and have to edit, censor, hold yourself back and people please or else you’ll consume everyone with your black hole of need?
These were the fears that constantly ate at me for most of my life. And without knowing where to take them or what to do with them, I ate over them.
The food gave me a fleeting sense of comfort, but it was almost at once replaced with the most overpowering guilt. And that would drive me into even deeper self doubt and shame. And more food.
I hated what I did. But I couldn’t stop doing it.
I hated that I would have a few days of being good and then that inner rebellion in me would say, “fuck this, I want what I want,” and I’d be back in the binge.
They say insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.
But real insanity is knowing what the results are going to be – bloating, body obsession and beating myself up – and not being able to do it any differently.
That was the insanity that ran my life for over 2 decades. And no amount of therapy, no amount of “learning my triggers”, no amount of knowing my numbers, picking my cards, finding my purpose, tapping my body or going to healers got rid of the binge cycle for good.
It was like a boomerang from hell on Groundhog’s Day — no matter how hard I threw away the bad food and behavior, it would find it’s way back to me. Over and over again.
That’s why, when I experienced freedom for the first time, almost 10 years ago, there was a part of me that didn’t want to claim it. Because I didn’t want to jinx it. I couldn’t imagine that this time was different.
So I kept quiet for the first few months, even as the miracles unfolded before me.
But something did feel different in me.
I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it came out in how I interacted with family members and friends. It came out in how showed up at work. It came out in how I felt internally. And it came out in how I ate.
It was like I was still living the same life, but had gotten some all-access pass to the secret to how to actually do life without life doing a number on me.
And the binge cycle just went away. I don’t know how else to describe it other than the need to feed just wasn’t there anymore.
And it was magical. And it was strange. And it was not happening by me. Which was a total trip.
I remember the first time I felt complete and satiated after a meal without obsessing about how I was going to sneak more afterwards. I was like, “Ohhhhhh, so THIS is what normal eaters experience! Oh my god, had no idea it could be this, this, uneventful!”
Food wasn’t a “thing” anymore. I still totally enjoyed it. But I wasn’t obsessed over it. It was nourishment and fuel. It was was what I did when I was hungry. And then I’d go on with my day. No biggy.
But this was a big deal to me. Real big.
And that’s why I’m so glad that I finally got the courage to share with others what I had experienced that how they could get the same results.
Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned in nearly a decade of working with women around this stuff, it’s that we all have an inner little girl who feels not enough and we all have the fear of being alone and we all have a rebellious “fuck you” that’s demanding to be expressed…
And what I’ve learned is how to guide women through the same process I did so that they can actually get free from all this stuff.
And then they experience the food problem fall away too. And they start trusting themselves again. And they’re more present. And they’re more connected. And they’re more confident.
And it’s hands down the most rewarding work I could possibly do.
To watch a woman come back to herself. To see her at home in her own skin. To watch her operating from a place of truly liking herself and feeling her value…this is what gets me up in the morning.
And that pretty much sums up what freedom has come to be for me. A series of miracles that unfold before me as I bear witness to your miracles.
And I get to celebrate the incredible ways that you are sharing your light and living free and helping others.
And together we can reflect back on what it was like with compassion and tenderness, as we humbly and confidently live into our new, ever-expanding freedom.
In dedication of all things raw, real and recovered,
P.s. And oh yeah, that inner restlessness, irritability and sadness? It’s not my set point anymore. And that’s how things stay as long as I stay living the freedom formula. If you want to hear more about how I do that and help women all over the world do it too, just send me a personal message at [email protected] xo